When it comes to pregnant chicks, there's a lot of hocus pocus out there. There are the old-wives tales that claim to tell you you're having one gender or another based on things like the heart rate, the way you're carrying, and how bad your prego acne has gotten. (All signs pointed to me having a girl BTW, and my bambino definitely has a penis.) And then there's a bunch of nonsense about what everyone assumes all pregnant women experience during their 9 months of being knocked up. Here are the five things that have NOT happened to me:
1. Pregnancy glow: I found out I was pregnant in July when I still had a nice summer tan going on. I hoped this alleged dewy beautiful complexion would last the duration of my pregnancy based on the age-old saying, but alas, winter has arrived, my face is just as pasty and uneven as it always is this time of year. I'm going to go ahead and say this "glow" was made up by overweight pregos who tend to overheat after climbing a set of stairs. Glow=you're fat and sweating.
2. 2nd trimester energy: What a load of crap this is. Of course I feel better than that horrendous first 16 weeks, but I'd hardly call what I'm experiencing "energetic." It's just that I've trained myself to push past falling asleep when it's still light out, which has taken months to master. Sometimes I just succumb to the calling of my bed at dusk, but mainly it's that I got sick of missing all my shows and have gotten better at fighting the small knives constantly stabbing at my eyeballs. Energy....MY ASS.
3. Increased hunger: Ya know the saying "old wives' tale"? There should also be one called "fat pregnant womens' lies". I've worked out at least 5 out of the 7 days a week for as long as I can remember, so I've always been someone who eats mini meals throughout the day. That's exactly how I feel while pregnant. I'm working out about half as much, but know my body is working on overdrive to create my little dude--who by the way is only a pound at 22 weeks. My eating habits haven't changed in the slighest since becoming pregnant. So sorry, but claiming to be ravenous for muffins, chocoloate and ice cream while you're pregnant is just a lie--women always want that--knocked up or not. And you're just taking advantage of your situation!
4. Special treatment: I had so many people tell me prior to "showing" that once I popped, people would be opening doors for me, giving me their seats and going out of their way to make me comfortable. Wrong. I've had a few people give me a side semi-smile, as if they're scared to actually say anything to me. The other day, I was at a Verizon Wireless Store waiting in line, and turned around to see at least a dozen people sitting in chairs in the store. I purposely made eye contact with a couple of the a-holes playing with their iPhones, and not one of them offered me their seat. Maybe it's because everyone is scared shitless to offer a pregnant woman a chair, just for her to turn around and scream at them, "I'm NOT pregnant!" Hey--it's probably the most awkward thing you can do, so I'll let it go.
5. Increased sex drive: Yeah-to-the-right. Again, any woman claiming to feel "sexy" and more "horny" during pregnany is L-Y-I-N-G. This is the same kind of woman who would claim she loves dressing up as a naughty nurse for her husband because it's the only way that sick fuck can get off. But in all seriousness, I'm not one of those horrid wives who uses my pregnancy as an excuse not to get down--I'm just super realistic about it--it's not as great. But who really gives a shit? Not me.
Here are 5 things that have happened to me:
1. Huge boobs: Duh. Even girls who usually have mosquito bites for boobies are blessed during this time frame. The only thing that sucks is how much they itch...oh, and the fact that they make even a sensible turtleneck look pornstar-ish.
2. Awesome hair: This could not be more true. My hair is like that chick from Rumplestilzkin right now--golden spun silk. The thing that sucks is that it apparently goes back to its prior suckiness directly after giving birth, AND I heard some women lose some of their hair! Wahhhh.
3. Getting dumber: I have turned into the ditziest mother fucker of all time. The other day I was trying to remember the word "narrate," and described it as "the thing where someone tells a story from a certain perspective." MORON.
4. Uncontrollable shopping: I'm not sure if this is a normal ailment of pregnant women, but I thought I'd include it because of how unbelievable out of control it's gotten. Ever since finding out we're having a boy, I've been nonstop buying, mostly online. I just want him to be the coolest SoCal hipster surfer bowl-cut toehead dude in all the land. Can you really blame me?!
5. Nesting: I finally understand the true meaning of this word. My favorite place in the whole world is home these days. As an example, today I was getting a pedicure, and as she was rubbing my feet, I was checking the clock counting down the minutes til I could get home to just....tidy up. I constantly make neat piles and organize everything and overuse my label maker. Is this what moms do? I may just be crazy.
So this just my take on things....I truly apologize if you really are energetic, fat, glowing, craving tons of sex, and everyone's been giving you their seat.
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