My Birth Story!

I feel like I haven't been on a computer for forever, and it's only been one week! I've officially turned into my father who only checks his his personal (and AOL) account every few days. But the reason is because....I had the baby!!! McBaby can now be referred to as Clive Toby McBride! He was born a few days early on 4/4/12 after I was induced for low fluids. As you know, this is something that plagued me towards the end of my pregnancy, and when I went to that final doctor's appointment, she told us to pack our bags and head straight to the hospital.

Because I'd been dealing with the low fluids issue for weeks, I wasn't alarmed in the slightest that doc sent us packing. But I had no idea what was in store for me in the following 24 hours. We got to the hospital about two hours prior to "shift-change" and I loved our nurse Anna from the first minute. She got me hooked up to an IV and a few other things, and then left for the night, replaced by the equally awesome Lillit, our night nurse. A fellow then came in to insert a ribbon into me to help soften up my cervix, which stayed in place for 12 hours while they watched me and the baby on a fetal monitor. This was the calm before the storm for sure--with the only interruptions being the screams in the middle of the night from my neighboring women who decided against the epidural (which in turn made me want one even more).

The next morning my cervix was deemed ready, so they started the petocin. That jump started my contractions pretty quickly, which Clive did NOT like in the slightest. He "de-celled" a total of four times in the next few hours, meaning his heart rate dipped down to around 50 BPM due to him cutting off his own circulation by pressing on his umbilical cord. Each time a dozen nurses and doctors would bust into the room and yell a bunch of things, and twice they threw an oxygen mask on me, which was the scariest thing ever. Nothing can prepare you for the look in the doctors' eyes when you just know something is wrong. Thankfully each time, little Clive was resilient and recovered.

My contractions got increasingly more intense, and by 10am the docs inserted a foley balloon catheter to get me more dilated. In the meantime, about once an hour, someone's entire fist was up inside me "checking my cervix," which is something I care not to discuss any further. The next drama was my infamous 3-AND-A-HALF-MINUTE CONTRACTION. I hadn't gotten my epidural yet, and had been "breathing" through each one up to this point. But girlfriend can only take so much, and that had to have been the longest 3+ minutes of my life. Clive hated this pain as well, and they decided my body was going through too much stress. My doctor showed up to the hospital at this point, explaining that she was going to break my water and do an amnio infusion to pump me back up with saline to keep the baby safe. After I mentioned how painful that sounded, she looked shocked when I told her I hadn't gotten the epidural yet, and said simply, "It's time."

That part was a cinch, and does NOT hurt, for those of you wondering. After the epidural, you could have sawed off my feet and I wouldn't have noticed. It also didn't "slow down" my labor, which is what everyone says; I went from 6 centimeters to 10 in a matter of two hours. This is when I finally got nervous--getting wheeled into delivery. I couldn't feel a thing, but the thought of having an actual human come out of me was really starting to scare me.

There was zero time to process any more thoughts though, because it was time to start pushing right away. Kev took one leg, and Lillit took another because I was that numb in my legs that I couldn't hold them up. My doctor also ordered for the epidural to be "cut in half" so that I could start "feeling" a little more--talk about a motivator to get the baby out. I pushed like a total maniac. After ten minutes, I casually asked how long it usually takes for a first-time mom and my doctor replied, "Oh...2 to 3 hours." The competitor in me uttered a helllll no, and I pushed even harder for about 30 more minutes.

Next thing I knew, I was in stirrups, the doctor was suited up in her protective gear, and she was telling me I'd have a baby on the next push. She was right! Clive arrived and was placed right onto my chest, where we both had a major bawl fest. I'm so glad I did the "skin-to-skin" right after delivery because it was a great distraction from everything else happening down there. I won't gross you out with the details, but just google "afterbirth" and "placenta" if you're really curious as to what happens after the baby is born.

That moment at 7:57pm on 4/4/12 has to be the most amazing, emotional, surreal and miraculous moment of my life. It's hard to put into words, but it's like reading the last page of the best book you've ever read. You want to keep reliving it over and over, and any pain you endured getting to that point just does not matter. Clive Toby McBride weighed 7 lbs. even, was 19 3/4 inches long, and more perfect than we could have ever dreamed. And yes, I'm definitely going to do this again.

Self Inducing Labor Doesn't Work

The last couple of weeks have been a real....doozy. I've been in and out of doctor's appointments for numerous reasons, all for the end result to be: Yeah, we're gonna give it a few more days. It all started about 6 weeks ago when my doctor told me my fluids were low and I was sent over to a perinatologist (who looks like a live Ken doll) for a second look. He basically told me to just keep on truckin, but to make sure I was drinking enough water. For the record, I probably drink about 2 gallons a day because I'm constantly thirsty due to working out or just being on the go.

Then this past week I went in again, and my doc informed me my fluids had dipped pretty significantly, and sent me back to the perinatologist, also warning me that they might induce. This made me gasp since I hadn't yet made it to the remaining mandatory appointments before McBaby's arrival--hair, bikini wax, nails. Luckily, Ken checked me out, put me on a fetal heart moniter, and said I was still good to go....at least for a few more days. He mentioned my placenta was "mature," and that McBaby was still on the tiny side, so it was doubtful they'd keep me pregnancy past my due date.

Well, this kicked my ass into high gear. I successfully made it to all my appointments, and even wrapped up everything I possibly could at work. But instead of feeling satisfied and ready to take a breather and relax for a couple days, I've been the opposite--which brings me to present tense. I decided on April Fool's Day to commence Operation Evict McBaby. I've read every old wives' tale, and tried most: prenatal massage, spicy food, long walks, exercise, sex, you name it. The only thing I'm not into testing out is the castor oil remedy. But Nothing. Has. Worked.

It's like my baby is laughing at me for even attempting to make him do something he's by no means ready to do. As far as he's concerned, he's perfectly content remaining in the dark, warm, shallow bath I've created for him in my uterus. Maybe this means he'll be a good swimmer? I go back in today to get checked out, and who knows! Perhaps this time they'll decide it's induction day, and the next post I write will be when I'm a mommy!

What I take away from these last few weeks of pregnancy is that it's not up to me to decide what McBaby's birthday is. It's his decision...at least until some Pitocin decides it for the both of us.

What to Expect from Birthing Class

Everything you think would happen during a hospital birthing class...happens. And yes, that means the screening of the real-life childbirth video, starring the woman with the 70s-style bush. Other things happen, but I wanted to warn you about that first and foremost. There's nothing more awkward than sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers all staring at a woman's gaping vagina that's covered in a thick bloody shag. I'll let you barf up your lunch and return to that later.

Now to the positive parts. My husband and I chose the expedited birthing class at our hospital because we both work full-time and could only really squeeze in a few hours on a Saturday anyway. (Sidenote--I get the Worst Wife Ever award for signing us up on St. Patrick's Day...whoops.)

Most of the people in the room seemed like totally normal couples who were excited about welcoming their first born into the world. But of course there's always a couple assholes who ruin everything, and in this case, it was the "water birth couple." These two were pretty irritating, saying condescending things out loud like, "Oh no, we'd neverrrrrr do an epidural." But hey, it's her loss. Like my aunt who's a maternity ward nurse says: "They're not giving out any awards at the hospital for women who opt out of the epidural."

During the 6-hour class, we learned things like the right way to breathe (and no-that "hee-hee-hee-hoo-hoo-hoo" was not even discussed), when to go to the hospital without getting turned away for being too eager and early, and pain medication options once we got to the hospital (aka the magical "E" word). Our instructor was a lovely woman who kept stressing to the guys the importance of how to STFU during our labor pains and not to say anything that would warrant a slap in the face like, "Honey, keep in mind...women have been doing this for centuries!"

She also taught the men how to massage us while we pretty much all lounged around on the floor like beached whales eating Triscuits (What?! They told us to bring snacks!) And I didn't notice until the last horror movie (there were 4 in total), that the instructor kept leaving the classroom every time she pressed play! She'd set us up real quick and say something like, "Now you're going to witness a woman who chooses to do a natural birth," and then she'd be out the door in a flash. You'd think a woman teaching a childbirth class would be cool with seeing a few vag shots. But I suppose she's pretty scarred by the vids at this point, and knows better to just leave us all in the dark wishing we were anywhere but there.

I tried to look away during scene of the hairy monster expelling a small, and also hairy, head out of it's hole, but it's one of those things that sucks you back in no matter how hard to try to avoid it. And the weirdest part is the wide range of emotions these videos take you through. In the beginning, you're just sitting there judging the mother in the video's outfit choice upon arrival to the hospital. By the birth scene, you're ready to vomit anything in your stomach, and 3 seconds later when that little baby is sitting on the mother's chest as she cries tears of happiness, you're bawling with her! And right on cue, that's when the instructor walks back in and flicks on the fluorescent lights.

All in all though, I am really glad we went. If anything I learned some really random things I didn't know--like to take a freaking shower and blow dry my hair when I start feeling contractions because it's gonna be awhile, to wear cozy socks during labor once at the hospital, and most importantly, to be hairless during birth. You never know what could be caught on camera that day.

Why Pregnant Women Waddle

Whenever someone imitates a pregnant woman, they waddle...right?? I swore up and down I would do anything in my power to avoid the penguin walk in pregnancy, but alas, even I have succumbed. It's just so much more comfortable than walking like a normal person, and now I can tell you exactly why that is (from a highly scientific standpoint of course).

Extremely pregnant chicks don't just waddle because they're "fat"-- there are a plethora of other factors that contribute to this. In my case, I started waddling right around the 34-week marker because of intense back pain 24-7. This was of course bound to happen given the fact that I'm 5'3" and about a buck-20 when un-knocked-up, and those extra 25 pounds sitting like a concrete block in my stomach finally won the fight.

Then, out of the blue during week 35, I woke up to the feeling I'd been overusing the thigh master. I figured this was due to a bar method class or extra long walk the day prior, but no. This groin pain was (and is) here to stay. It hurts most when I'm walking (hence the waddling) and/or moving anything heavier than a feather.

Lastly, it is the belly that makes us waddle. The baby drops pretty significantly in the final month of pregnancy, to the point that if I walk for too long, I actually feel like some part of the baby is coming out. It's like holding a watermelon under your shirt with one hand--pretty soon that ish is gonna get heavy!

There you have it--I wanted to make it clear that several factors contribute to this super sexy style of walking we preggos inevitably yield to. So the next time you see one of us in public, do us a favor and just smile--and wipe that "I'm sorry" look off your face, especially if you're a dude. Tell us we're amazing superhuman adonis creatures whom you greatly admire and could never do what we're doing in a million years--unless you're that creepy pregnant dude Thomas Beatie from Oprah.

Showered Beyond Belief

And I thought getting married was cool. Man was I wrong! When you're knocked up, people love to throw you showers! I also happen to have really really cool family and friends--like the kind people should be envious of--they're so amazing. I hate when people use the phrase "I'm so blessed" because I feel like it's a highly overused saying, but when you have Monica-Rachel-Phoebe style relationships in real life, it's hard not to get gushy.

Two weekends ago, my three best friends on the west coast threw me an amazing Mustache Bash baby shower, which was perfection seeing as though I'm convinced my baby is going to come out with handlebars, and monacle, and three-piece suit. It was such an amazing day, and I enjoyed every minute of it--including the 2 hours I spent getting ready, knowing it would be one of the last times I touched a curling iron for awhile...

This past weekend concluded shower season for McBaby. My fourth and final shower was held at the place my husband got married almost two years ago--Shade Hotel in Manhattan Beach. My Bar Method boss threw the "sprinkling" for me and my co-worker Dayna, also expecting a boy. As we were opening gifts, my boss got emotional and I had to ask her why. She went on to say there's nothing like experiencing the birth of your first child. Seeing her reaction really made me think--WOW. There's seriously no way for me to prepare for what's going to happen in about one month.

A lot of people have been asking me if I'm scared of labor, and honestly I'm not. I'm sure it's because I haven't even been through it, and don't know any better. But I figure there's no point in stressing about something I literally have zero control over. My two aunts who are nurses have stressed the importance of getting an epidural, because as they've told me, "They're not giving out any awards at the hospital for the women who pass on drugs." So that's also calmed my nerves big time--knowing there is relief at some point.

My general attitude at this point is excitement--over everything. First and foremost to be able to hold someone who needs no one else but me and his daddy in this whole world. A close second on the excitement scale is the fact that this incessant back pain apparently goes away like magic instantly after birth. I'm also pretty stoked to wear pants that I don't have to pull up to my boobs, and that have a zipper and button closure. Oh, and not to have to pee a trickle every 20 minutes.

But mostly my days are spent thinking about my little guy who is just a few short weeks from entering the world and making us an official family! 34 days til my due date and Easter Sunday...and I used to think Lent was a long time...Psssshhh.

Working Out While Pregnant (W.O.W.P.)

I highly recommend working out throughout your entire pregnancy (provided your doctor

gives you the green light of course). I’m now 5 weeks away from delivering, and have

maintained a healthy a steady workout routine this whole time, while slowly tweaking

and modifying as I get bigger and bigger.

When you think of pregnancy-friendly workouts, you think prenatal yoga right? I

definitely did, except the only problem with these classes is that they’re impossible to

find! I did locate a few place that offer pre-natal yoga, but the times are like mid-morning

on weekdays. Not sure what demo can actually make those classes besides stay-at-home

moms with kids who are already in school.

My advice? Don’t stress too much about the class being pre-natal—most workout classes

these day require their instructors to become proficient in prenatal training—or at least

be knowledgable about the modifications. Trust me—I am one! Most of the big no-

no’s when pregnant (especially once you’ve hit the second trimester and are starting to

show) are: traditional pushups (these can be modified against a bar or wall), abs (if you’re

comfy enough to get down on your back, use back support propping!!!), which are kind

of pointless besides working on your deep breaths, and twisting (this could affect the

sacroiliac joint, which tends to move during pregnancy).

Here are my favorite workouts during pregnancy:

1. Bar Method: I’m an instructor, so of course I love it! But even if I wasn’t, I’d be

singing Bar’s praises. It’s the only thing I’ve consistently been able to do this

whole time. Note: After your 16th week, it’s smart to leave class halfway through

(you’ll have already hit arms, quads, calves, and butt), and they’ll let you pay half

price for doing so! It’s super low-impact, and keeps your arms, legs and booty

sculpted. Might as well focus on those body parts since you have no control over

your tummy! Barmethod.com

2. Yoga: There’s nothing like yoga to open up your hips (something we women deal

with whether pregnant or not), and train your body to breathe. Just my opinion,

but I’d steer clear of hot yoga classes while pregnant, and focus more on flow

classes, and in the third tri doing more stretch-based sessions like a yin relaxation

class.

3. Walking: Such a simple activity, but there’s nothing like getting your legs moving

that helps with blood flow, loosening of joints, and sleep! Believe it or not a

30 minute walk could make you sleep better. Staying sedentary isn’t good for

anyone—even a pregnant woman (unless you’ve been instructed to be on bed rest

by your doctor). Warning—it does get harder and harder as you get bigger, so

don’t worry about proving yourself. Hills are now out for me, as is walking more

than 20 minutes at a time. And I used to run marathons…

For me, I’ve just focused more on listening to my body than anything else. My first

trimester was a puke-fest, so my workouts suffered. But ever since week 18, I’ve stayed

consistent, and I’m hoping it’ll not only help me bounce back to my old self, but give my

little one a jump start on being healthy and active.

Babymoon: Necessary or Ridiculous?

If you ask your mother what she thinks about having a "babymoon," she'd probably either A. ask what the hell that even is, or B. launch into a long-winded explanation of how her generation never had any of that fun stuff. If you're my mom, the latter also leads into the conversation about how "tight" maternity wear is these days, and that women in her day had to suffer under tent-like muumuus with oversized buttons and sailor collars. My mother loves comparing my pregnancy to hers, and finds any possible way to point out how lucky I am in "this day and age."

Back to the question of the day--to babymoon or not to babymoon? My husband and I definitely wanted to do something special together before the baby comes, and I have to admit that early on in my pregnancy a lush hotel stay out of town sounded like a dream. But we waited until the 3rd trimester to get our acts together, and now the only thing I want to do is bathe in icy hot all day and eat whipped cream from the bottle. Even a drive up to an LA hotel (less than an hour) sounded miserable, so we decided on an ultimate stay-cation in our hometown of Manhattan Beach.

Rather than waste money on an expensive hotel, we booked couple's massages at a local spa called Trilogy that's walkable from our house. We happen to have 3 friends who work there too, and they totally hooked us up with VIP treatment, reserving us a cabana post-massages, and bought us champagne, sparkling cider and a little celebratory cake! We spent the whole day there, and then showered and walked two blocks down to a restaurant we'd been wanting to try out forever, Manhattan Beach Post. The next day we ventured out to Beverly Hills to Helen Ficalora to get a charm with the baby's initial on it to add to my favorite necklace from Kevin (the first gift he ever got me). We followed that up with a total touristy lunch at Villa Blanca owned by Real Housewife Lisa Vanderpump.

It was one of the best weekends we'd had in awhile! We'd been so focused on McBaby for the last few months that it was nice to actually pamper ourselves guilt-free (for probably the last time in awhile). Sure the topic of convo that whole weekend was predominantly baby, but who can help that?! We're excited! So in conclusion, I'm a total proponent of the babymoon. You and your husband can decide what's right for you guys--whether it means booking a full-on last vacay to Hawaii, or just going out for a nice dinner. It's about taking a step back and appreciating one another one last time before your twosome becomes a threesome.

Happy babymoonin!