Everything you think would happen during a hospital birthing class...happens. And yes, that means the screening of the real-life childbirth video, starring the woman with the 70s-style bush. Other things happen, but I wanted to warn you about that first and foremost. There's nothing more awkward than sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers all staring at a woman's gaping vagina that's covered in a thick bloody shag. I'll let you barf up your lunch and return to that later.
Now to the positive parts. My husband and I chose the expedited birthing class at our hospital because we both work full-time and could only really squeeze in a few hours on a Saturday anyway. (Sidenote--I get the Worst Wife Ever award for signing us up on St. Patrick's Day...whoops.)
Most of the people in the room seemed like totally normal couples who were excited about welcoming their first born into the world. But of course there's always a couple assholes who ruin everything, and in this case, it was the "water birth couple." These two were pretty irritating, saying condescending things out loud like, "Oh no, we'd neverrrrrr do an epidural." But hey, it's her loss. Like my aunt who's a maternity ward nurse says: "They're not giving out any awards at the hospital for women who opt out of the epidural."
During the 6-hour class, we learned things like the right way to breathe (and no-that "hee-hee-hee-hoo-hoo-hoo" was not even discussed), when to go to the hospital without getting turned away for being too eager and early, and pain medication options once we got to the hospital (aka the magical "E" word). Our instructor was a lovely woman who kept stressing to the guys the importance of how to STFU during our labor pains and not to say anything that would warrant a slap in the face like, "Honey, keep in mind...women have been doing this for centuries!"
She also taught the men how to massage us while we pretty much all lounged around on the floor like beached whales eating Triscuits (What?! They told us to bring snacks!) And I didn't notice until the last horror movie (there were 4 in total), that the instructor kept leaving the classroom every time she pressed play! She'd set us up real quick and say something like, "Now you're going to witness a woman who chooses to do a natural birth," and then she'd be out the door in a flash. You'd think a woman teaching a childbirth class would be cool with seeing a few vag shots. But I suppose she's pretty scarred by the vids at this point, and knows better to just leave us all in the dark wishing we were anywhere but there.
I tried to look away during scene of the hairy monster expelling a small, and also hairy, head out of it's hole, but it's one of those things that sucks you back in no matter how hard to try to avoid it. And the weirdest part is the wide range of emotions these videos take you through. In the beginning, you're just sitting there judging the mother in the video's outfit choice upon arrival to the hospital. By the birth scene, you're ready to vomit anything in your stomach, and 3 seconds later when that little baby is sitting on the mother's chest as she cries tears of happiness, you're bawling with her! And right on cue, that's when the instructor walks back in and flicks on the fluorescent lights.
All in all though, I am really glad we went. If anything I learned some really random things I didn't know--like to take a freaking shower and blow dry my hair when I start feeling contractions because it's gonna be awhile, to wear cozy socks during labor once at the hospital, and most importantly, to be hairless during birth. You never know what could be caught on camera that day.
