Babies In Cocoons

I have a major problem. Besides Pinterest and buying everything off Zulilly, I cannot stop google imaging ridiculous phrases like "babies in cocoons" and "crocheted animal hats for babies." Basically I've decided to spend my lunch hours at work doing art direction on my unborn infant's first photo shoot of his life.

A friend of mine who just had her #2 stressed to me the importance of staging said shoot in the first week the baby's home because of how much newborns sleep that week, and referred to it as a "smushy pic" shoot. I tried talking about this another mom who looked at me like I had 3 eyes when I used the term. But I'm sticking to it. What happens is the photographer puts the baby in these insanely cute positions like placing his chin on his hands as if pondering some deep life moment. See here if you're still confused.

I've decided that McBaby's smushy pic shoot is going to be very nature-inspired. I already instructed my mom to start crocheting the crap out of cocoons made of any soft wool she could get her hands on, telling her to think nests, nature, birds, etc. when designing them. I'm thinking edgy Anne Geddes meets Annie Leibovitz for Vogue.

And I'd like to thank those babies I don't know in the pics for providing an insane amount of inspiration for McBaby's first photo shoot. And of course Justin Bieber and God.

Pregnancy Myths and Truths According to Me

When it comes to pregnant chicks, there's a lot of hocus pocus out there. There are the old-wives tales that claim to tell you you're having one gender or another based on things like the heart rate, the way you're carrying, and how bad your prego acne has gotten. (All signs pointed to me having a girl BTW, and my bambino definitely has a penis.) And then there's a bunch of nonsense about what everyone assumes all pregnant women experience during their 9 months of being knocked up.

Here are the five things that have NOT happened to me:

1. Pregnancy glow: I found out I was pregnant in July when I still had a nice summer tan going on. I hoped this alleged dewy beautiful complexion would last the duration of my pregnancy based on the age-old saying, but alas, winter has arrived, my face is just as pasty and uneven as it always is this time of year. I'm going to go ahead and say this "glow" was made up by overweight pregos who tend to overheat after climbing a set of stairs. Glow=you're fat and sweating.

2. 2nd trimester energy: What a load of crap this is. Of course I feel better than that horrendous first 16 weeks, but I'd hardly call what I'm experiencing "energetic." It's just that I've trained myself to push past falling asleep when it's still light out, which has taken months to master. Sometimes I just succumb to the calling of my bed at dusk, but mainly it's that I got sick of missing all my shows and have gotten better at fighting the small knives constantly stabbing at my eyeballs. Energy....MY ASS.

3. Increased hunger: Ya know the saying "old wives' tale"? There should also be one called "fat pregnant womens' lies". I've worked out at least 5 out of the 7 days a week for as long as I can remember, so I've always been someone who eats mini meals throughout the day. That's exactly how I feel while pregnant. I'm working out about half as much, but know my body is working on overdrive to create my little dude--who by the way is only a pound at 22 weeks. My eating habits haven't changed in the slighest since becoming pregnant. So sorry, but claiming to be ravenous for muffins, chocoloate and ice cream while you're pregnant is just a lie--women always want that--knocked up or not. And you're just taking advantage of your situation!

4. Special treatment: I had so many people tell me prior to "showing" that once I popped, people would be opening doors for me, giving me their seats and going out of their way to make me comfortable. Wrong. I've had a few people give me a side semi-smile, as if they're scared to actually say anything to me. The other day, I was at a Verizon Wireless Store waiting in line, and turned around to see at least a dozen people sitting in chairs in the store. I purposely made eye contact with a couple of the a-holes playing with their iPhones, and not one of them offered me their seat. Maybe it's because everyone is scared shitless to offer a pregnant woman a chair, just for her to turn around and scream at them, "I'm NOT pregnant!" Hey--it's probably the most awkward thing you can do, so I'll let it go.

5. Increased sex drive: Yeah-to-the-right. Again, any woman claiming to feel "sexy" and more "horny" during pregnany is L-Y-I-N-G. This is the same kind of woman who would claim she loves dressing up as a naughty nurse for her husband because it's the only way that sick fuck can get off. But in all seriousness, I'm not one of those horrid wives who uses my pregnancy as an excuse not to get down--I'm just super realistic about it--it's not as great. But who really gives a shit? Not me.

Here are 5 things that have happened to me:

1. Huge boobs: Duh. Even girls who usually have mosquito bites for boobies are blessed during this time frame. The only thing that sucks is how much they itch...oh, and the fact that they make even a sensible turtleneck look pornstar-ish.

2. Awesome hair: This could not be more true. My hair is like that chick from Rumplestilzkin right now--golden spun silk. The thing that sucks is that it apparently goes back to its prior suckiness directly after giving birth, AND I heard some women lose some of their hair! Wahhhh.

3. Getting dumber: I have turned into the ditziest mother fucker of all time. The other day I was trying to remember the word "narrate," and described it as "the thing where someone tells a story from a certain perspective." MORON.

4. Uncontrollable shopping: I'm not sure if this is a normal ailment of pregnant women, but I thought I'd include it because of how unbelievable out of control it's gotten. Ever since finding out we're having a boy, I've been nonstop buying, mostly online. I just want him to be the coolest SoCal hipster surfer bowl-cut toehead dude in all the land. Can you really blame me?!

5. Nesting: I finally understand the true meaning of this word. My favorite place in the whole world is home these days. As an example, today I was getting a pedicure, and as she was rubbing my feet, I was checking the clock counting down the minutes til I could get home to just....tidy up. I constantly make neat piles and organize everything and overuse my label maker. Is this what moms do? I may just be crazy.

So this just my take on things....I truly apologize if you really are energetic, fat, glowing, craving tons of sex, and everyone's been giving you their seat.

Huuuuuuuuge Boobs

OMG I must have the biggest (real) boobs ever. I already have pretty big knockers to begin with for my size, and now they're borderline fake-looking. I tried for as long as I could to just wear my normal 34Cs, until my husband caught me changing one day and demanded we go to Victoria's Secret that instant.

I guess you know it's bad when a dude notices your bra isn't even covering half of your nip anymore. I informed him that my VS bras are $50 a pop, and suggested we browse Target's selection before throwing down serious cash on a size I'd only need for a few more months. I found one, and no offense to Gilligan O'Malley, but girlfriend has no business being in the bra marketplace. After 2 hours of wearing it, the hard stitching was itching the crap out of my already-itchy boobs and back, and I was forced to take it off in a restaurant bathroom and throw it away. There's a reason they're only 12 bucks.

So we took a little drive down to Vickie's and I got myself 2 proper bras--my fave--the Dream Angel with no padding, and went up one cup size to a D. And seriously, they're still a little snug. But I have something called pride, and refuse to join the multiple letter club, and shall do anything in my power to keep these boulders a size D til McBaby's birth. Then when he comes out, I know all hope will be lost, and these puppies will turn into sloppy floppy milk dispensers and there's no Dream Angel that can mask that.

Here's a pic of me at 21 weeks with my massive boobies and basketball stomach that is seriously protruding straight out. It doesn't even look real, even to me. Not sure how I should take when strangers ask me how far along I am, and upon response say something like, "Wow, you're reeaaaallly showing!"

Uh....thanks?

It's A....

BOY! We finally found out at exactly 20 weeks that indeed, we're expecting a little boy in April 2012! It's pretty much amazing to know now, and my shopping habit has already spiraled dangerously out of control. I hit up TJ Maxx, Nordy's, Janie and Jack, Neiman's and Babies R Us all within the first 24 hours, and all I'm going to say is that McBaby is going to give Rachel Zoe's kid a run for his money on the number of shoes in his closet.

He looked so freaking cute during the 3D ultrasound (SO crazy to be able to call him a HE now!), and was moving around like a little monkey in there. The tech couldn't even get a good look at his face because of the number of backflips he was doing, and at one point was burying his face into his hands and hiding. He's definitely already got a personality on him! The doctor was able to get the money shot of his little mug after jabbing me repeatedly with the ultrasound wand, which basically made me pee my pants a little. But, seriously...worth it.

Here's the video Kevin and I made to tell everyone the baby's gender. It was the Happiest Thanksgiving yet!

Mr. Kicky Pants

I've been feeling overwhelmingly lately that I'm preggers with a BOY! Which, if you know me, is the exact opposite of what I've been saying it is the whole time. There's just something that keeps screaming BOY to me, even though everyone and their mother insists it's a girl, given what I've been going through.

The latest in my joyous ride of being knocked up is a three-letter word that you pray doesn't ever happen when you're outside the confinement of your home: G-A-S. Let me just tell ya bout my Friday night.

My husband was out of town on a boy's weekend, so I invited my girlfriends over for dinner. Only on the way home, I was struck by the Gas Devil--only problem is that there was no actual air coming out, so it just kept building and building on top of the huge stomach I've already managed to grow. Laugh all you want, you fools! But trust me, there is no gas pain like pregnancy gas pain. My friend Amanda even tried moving my legs the way you do for an infant who's constipated (see photo)! But honestly, it was the GasX that did the trick.

After the pain just just about to go away, I noticed a dog barking outside behind the house and realized hey that's my dog. Sure enough, it was my Jack Russell Oliver being viciously attacked by two raccoons the size of Chuy Bravo (shame on you if you don't know who he is). We all screamed bloody murder for about 5 minutes straight. But when NO neighbors offered to help, we were forced to go in a break up the fight ourselves. All credit is due to Amanda, who bravely yanked Ollie out of the grasp of the fatter coon.

Needless to say, 4 hours of intense gas pain and screaming uncontrollably can't be the best for your fetus, and all I could do was rub my belly and keep apologizing. And I think Mr. Kicky Pants appreciated it, because I felt my first little kick right after. He's given me a few more since too, like after I ate a massive bowl of bean chili, and then yesterday when I finally laid down in bed after hours of shopping. See? Told ya it's a boy!

One week to go til we have confirmation, and I cannot wait! Til then! May the Gas Devil never bear his ugly soul on you....

Let The Registering Begin!

I told myself I was gonna wait to register until I found out the sex of McBaby--but considering I thought I'd know by now, I just couldn't help myself in at least starting it! It all began this past weekend when I dragged Kevin to a store called "The Pampered Tot." We bartered--if he came with me to check out this specific stroller I'd had my eye on, I'd watch the entire Oregon game with him that night.

The stroller that I just had to see in person was the Uppa Baby Vista. And lemme tell ya, this it blew my mind. I'm literally obsessed with it. Not only is it super cute, comes standard with a bassinet and toddler seat, it also has a bassinet stand that later turns into a hamper! And it's cheaper than the Bugaboo, which I never even wanted in the first place.

While I was livin' it up at the PT, the owner told me they do most of their business online, and I could totes register here! I looked into it, and they sell all the fun stuff I want that I can't get somewhere like Babies 'R Us or something--like Serena & Lily bedding and the most amazing stroller in all the land. Score!

I went directly home to begin my registry at PT, and still only have one thing on it--it's a start right??? I was so excited about starting it that I then went right to Babies 'R Us and started one there too!

So this is my life now--blogging about strollers and baby registries. Deal with it!

Coming Out!

I feel like singing at the top of my lungs on my desk right now, "I'm coming out!!!!" But that would only make this day even wilder.

Today, 11/1/11, I told my bosses I was pregnant. It's only taken me 17 weeks and 2 days! Here's how it all went down: My co-worker (and fellow pregger) and I took the girls we work with into the studio so that she could share her big news with them, since she'd been keeping hers a secret. On our way back to the office, we decided it was a better time than any to just be out with it and tell our bosses tag-team style about our double whammy news.

We walked into their office and sat down to tell them we had some news. And then Amanda calmly stated, "Bridget and I are having babies." SO much better than the verbal diarrhea that would have spewed out of my mouth. One of my bosses looked like he'd just walked in on his parents having sex, and the only way to explain the other one's expression is that it screamed of sheer dissatisfaction.

The meeting went as well as could be expected, with a few super awkward moments, like when one boss suggested us doing a live birth on YouTube, and the other one only opening his mouth to ask one single question: "When are you going to start to show?" Answer...."Ummm....now???"

I'm SO relieved to have the news out in the open, but I'm a little anxious for what's next...pretty soon they're going to be wondering what my "plan" is post-baby, and I just have a feeling it'll be different from what they had in mind--what, bringing the baby to work with me isn't cool??? I kid....not really, though.

In other news, we still don't know the sex of McBaby! Stubby McStubbornson decided to have his/her legs crossed the entire ultrasound, despite the fact that he/she was doing some sort of jazz-tap number all the while. We'll have to wait til November 21st (week of Thanksgiving) now, and will be doing our big reveal on Turkey Day! Place your bets now, people!